Why Do I Give It.... And Then...

The last few weeks for some reason I have felt uneasy but cannot quite figure out why! It seems as though something is just swirling inside of me! I have prayed for this to resolve but for some reason it hasn't! When I feel like this it makes me feel inadequate. I feel like I am going in fifty different directions and I am lost! I dream about things that are on my unsettled mind so I feel like I don't even get a break when I sleep! I have not felt the best but... when I am doing well spiritually and mentally... I have come to realize that I do not notice my physical pain near as much!
I am always telling people you need to surrender your self to your Heavenly Father and the Savior. Let the Savior carry and feel all you have that is hurting you mentally, spiritually and physically. This sound like a great plan, right...I understand the Atonement and use it daily but WHY do I always seem to find my self like this ever so often! So here are a few things I do know and that I hang on to for dear life....
I know I have a Heavenly Father who knows and loves me!
I know I am a V.I.P. to him because, all his children are V.I.Ps to Him!
I know I have a Savior who has taken my sins and short comings and afflictions upon Him!
I know I am thankful for my own personal divine plan that my Heavenly Father has given me!

I know my faith is stronger on some days and less on other days!
I know I am blessed to have trials and learn from them! (I hate that blessing)

I know I am blessed with repentance and forgiveness! (I count this one twice)

I know I am blessed with the fortitude that enables me to press forward! (not sure of that)

I am blessed to know that God as a fine design for me! (sometimes I wonder what it is)
I know I am blessed to be a member of the church I belong to and it is precious to me!
I know I have been blessed with parents who love me!
I know I have blessed with 3 of the very best sisters in the world who love me!
I know I have been blessed with 4 brothers who love me!
I know I have been blessed with an amazing loving husband who loves me! (I love him so much)
I know I am blessed to have a husband who honors his priesthood and cherishes it!

I know I am blessed with a husband who is the best example to his children!
I know I am blessed to have a husband who supports me in every way he can!
I know I am blessed to have an amazing father to our kids!
I know I am blessed with 5 children who love me! (I hope)
I know I am blessed with 10 grandchildren who I love and I hope they love me!
I know I am blessed with some dear dear close friends!

I know I am blessed that my husband has a job!

I know I am blessed to have a son waiting for his mission call!

I know I am blessed to not only have my needs but also to have my wants!

I know I am blessed to have a home, a car, clothes to wear, shoes, and food to eat!

I know I am blessed to have the calling I have had for eight years! (it has helped me understand)

I know I am blessed to have health insurance!

I know I will be blessed as Rhett serves his mission! ( I will miss him so much)

I know I am blessed to have a Temple so close to our home!

I know I am blessed when I feel so tired and I am in pain, yet I am still able to do things!

I know I am blessed that God let me see my life prior to coming to earth!

I know I am blessed when I feel the spirit close to me! (I wish I always felt it)

I know I am blessed as Tom fulfills his calling!

I know I am blessed to work with birth moms!

I know I am blessed with a testimony of the Plan of Salvation!

I know I am blessed to know we have a Prophet who lives here on earth with us now!

And there are some many other blessings I could go on about but will stop here!

So as I sat in a Wednesday night meeting listening to those who are struggling with family members who are addicted to to many different things! Those who are struggling with life experiences, We were working on the 11th step of the twelve step program! And as I thought about love ones and dear friends who have been through very difficult life changing times, I felt so bad that I have had these feelings lately! I felt like I was just a complainer, over reacting and I need to make some big changes!

But as the facilitator spoke there were so many things that made so much sense! He said there are many thing we did not cause, there are many things we did not choose and there are many things we do not have control over! Now this made me feel much better! I felt there was HOPE for me again! I had been given an excuse! This was not what I should of heard but at the time it helped!

He also said that every thought, every feeling, every action, contributes to who we are and what we are becoming! These things have really stuck with me! I really did not want to hear that!

In a Thursday night Birth mom meeting there was a Bishop there speaking to ALL of us! He was talking about the five R s! We need to recognize our issues, we need to have remorse, sometimes we need to make a restitution, we need to repent, and we need to refrain from what it is we are doing that made us have to implicate the five R s!! This too made me think a lot! I need to start working on that!

I was reading the other day and come upon something that to stuck with me! This thought talked of how we learn from books of all type in some sort of format, But mortality brings about many challenges and we can't always learn from a book how to deal with these challenges. It said... we can't ask a book anything But... we can pray to our Heavenly Father and ask for instruction in our mortal life! We can obtain divine teaching! You cannot obtain divine instruction from a book!

Now here is where the hard part for me comes in to play at times! Sometimes I just do not have the faith I need to obtain or hear divine teaching! I know when I am like this it is my own issues that are keeping me from hearing what I need to here! I feel over whelmed!

This where the Savior and the Atonement should come in! I know I need to give everything to Him, surrender.... because He willing to take anything for any body No matter what it is! There is no sin that the Atonement cannot reverse! He does not want me to carry anything. This to is part of the divine plan our Heavenly Father has given to us all!

But.. Why is it that I give it all to the Savior but... Yet I keep taking it back! Then I give and I am okay for awhile and then.... I take it back!!!

Why Can't I just LEAVE IT ALL!!!

I guess this too is part of mortality! We all have our ups and downs and it is okay, to take it back if we feel like we need to jog our memories of the hard times. I think it keeps us humble to feel the hard and sad times! But then we need to give it back!

As Tom and I have raised our kids we have seen different ones struggle at different times and it is hard to see this but... I know that in these times this is part of their divine plan too!

My new goal is to try harder to rely on the Savior and the Atonement and give all of my emotional, spiritual, physical pain to Him and leave it with Him and do all I can to not take it back ever!

I know this will take a life time to learn how to do this but, I will continue to ask for and obtain divine instruction on how to surrender my self to my Heavenly Father and my Saviour Jesus Christ!