I have had so many questions lately, but even more questions in the past few days!! Sometimes I spend so much time trying to determine what I did wrong in the past to deserve the unpleasant happenings of the moment. I know if I lock my self in a prison of failure and self-pity, I also know I am the only jailer…who holds the only key to my freedom. I know I can let my self out of prison by turning to the Lord for strength. But why is this so hard!!! I know with HIS help I can use my trials as stepping stones. The keys are in my hands. I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise. If I am offended and resentful, can I believe that HE is bound to help me in my disappointments and challenges? My challenge is to endure, it is not easy sometimes!! There will always be tests and trials along life’s paths. MUCH Heartache!! No one gets trough this life without! But we are told... God’s promises make things worth it. Sometimes I am just not sure! I guess a good attitude for me to have would be to remember the love HE has for me and my family and try to feel the strength from HIM...BUT when my eyes are blurred with tears of sorrow.... my vision is limited. I truly feel that we all are entitled to question. “What did I do wrong? Does HE not see how hard I am trying? How come I did not know? Why are people so mean? Why do people want to destroy someone? Who could even think that way? Why do they think they are in charge my salvation? Why do people say they will do something and then just don't? Why do people have such serious health problems? Why can't people wake up in the morning and ask them self what they could do for someone else? Why do I have to feel this way? Is this fair? How can someone be so judgmental and say they are entitled to righteous judgement? Who truly knows what righteous judgment is and who are we to say if it is or isn't? Why are there truly evil people in this world? How can people be so self serving and non caring? Why do people say things that can be so irreversible? Why does someone stay imprisoned and be a victim? Why do we continue to carry burdens and baggage? Why do people want to blame others for EVERYTHING!!! Where have I failed? Why can't people TRULY forgive? Why are the answers to my prayers and pleas withheld? WHY, WHY, WHY!!!! I can say I am guilty to all of the questions at times, and I am sure others have asked the same questions with me in mind!! As I have been reading and searching for answers, praying for peace, that I am yet to find.... these thoughts have helped some what!
I do want to be a Disciple of God, this I know for sure! I want to embrace each day with joy. So when I am faced with physical sickness and despair...I know I need to try to steer my self away from this! This is hard for me to do for some reason, not always but for sure lately. I know I need to direct my thought on the love and gratitude I have for my Heavenly Father, and the love has for me. In this life we have to have challenges, I know they can either bring me closer to HIM and make me stronger or I can use them to destroy me! It is only MY decision to choose the road I want to take! I know I am a child of God, I know if I neglect to feed my self spiritually, I will be completely distracted and this world and people in it, will destroy me!! It is so hard for me to ask for guidance when it is most needed! I do not always hear it! I know I can not communicate with God unless... I can give up the "natural man" and come to the lowest levels of meekness!! I have to be completely surrendered to HIM.... to feel HIS light. This too is very hard for me! I know I need to put all of my hurt and pain into an eternal perspective for the hope and light to return to my soul. I feel so selfish when I stop and ponder and think about what Jesus Christ has done for me! God knows I am so far from perfection as we ALL suffer with imperfections. But again I try and remember that HE will give me strength and suggestions of where I need to improve! I can only do this for my self and no one else. I know God knows better what I need than I do. I have to try and just do my best to listen and I know things will fall into place. We are in charge of our own feelings and our own salvation no one else's!!! I need to not fear nor should anyone else but do know there are consequences for EVERYONE! For those who wronged you and those who truly do not forgive!!!! Saying you forgive is different than showing it!!!! I think you can truly forgive if you can look into someones eyes long enough to see the child of God in that person!! When you honestly do not judge...You will finally be free, and will have forgiven!!! In the case of my own family and extended family the one thing I wish we ALL could become is...OUR OWN JUDGE and NO ONE ELSE'S!!! I know at times we all have been hurt so badly that we feel as though we have been choked...BUT I do know I have to forgive and I will! I also know that many will have to forgive me too! It takes some time in certain situations!! I know I have to avoid and or get rid of the negative critical thought I carry because they are only hurting me! Again this is hard. I know on my road to salvation it is normal to have questions arise but.... what I do not want is.... DOUBT and to loose faith. I know with Heavenly Father and with me trying to put one foot in front of the other I will find clarity, forgiveness and hope. I will continue to pray that doubt and the love for anyone... will not come into the equation. I will continue to pray not to react or feel hate....I will continue to seek the LIGHT. I know there is light in everyone somewhere!! I know sometimes I just need to stay in quiet peaceful place by my self for a time. I know if I can just stand still and hold on to my peace the Lord will fight for me!! There are many that say they want to be good and do good and that is commendable but...their actions say different. I guess the only way to achieve this is to live a life that is COMPLETELY influenced by the Holy Ghost. Again I will pray for this and try to do this. I know then, HE will then be able to tech me what to do and say! We ALL need to be grateful to serve but we all need to realize when we serve someone else that we are truly the ones who is receiving the service! This is the only time we should serve our selves is when we are truly serving someone else. I try and remember when someone says something hurtful or with hold something that is dear from me....or someone wants to judge me or a loved one....I will continue to try and remember these are just life lessons to be learned! When anyone might think me or my family needs to be refined in some way and want to judge or feel like it is their place to take charge...Instead of letting God be in charge, and letting us be judge by HIM....I feel like one day they will come to know that....They to are not perfect....and in time their families will have some struggles along the way. But...One thing I want them to know is...I will pray for peace for them and not ridicule them or their religion or render so called righteous judgement.
The reality is every thought, every feeling, every action contributes to who we are and what we are becoming! There is forgiveness FOR ALL!! It is up to us and only us how we want to meet HIM, when HE returns or when we return. I look forward to the day HE will come and we all can glory in HIS presence if we choose to!!! It is our choice...NO ONE ELSE'S!!!
Love, Mom...Sister....Auntie....Friend
“MY SON, PEACE BE UNTO THY SOUL; THINE ADVERSITY AND THINE AFFLICTIONS SHALL BE BUT A SMALL MOMENT; “AND THEN IF THOU ENDURE IT WELL, GOD SHALL EXALT THEE ON HIGH; THOU SHALT TRIUMPH OVER ALL THY FOES.”
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